Home of The Naughty Stories Series
“Sex is emotion in motion.” Mae West “Emotion is sexual motion.” Mabel Maude thinks I should understand carte blanche, since I always act as if I have it. Contrary to what dearest M thinks, however, the meaning of this expression is not what it seems. Though it is true, the characters in these stories would …
“She had more curves than a scenic railway.” P. G. Wodehouse “I rather like scenic railways. Especially if they have steam.” Maude Denim jackets are two a penny; but mine was special with studs and little badges of Pisa and Florence. Actually, it was Sylvia who “burrowed” it to me, as we used to say, …
“I do not understand why, when I ask for grilled lobster in a restaurant, I’m never served a cooked telephone.” Salvador Dali “Once in a restaurant, I asked for grilled cuttlefish and was served a shuttlecock.” Maude Diego, who I haven’t seen except on Facebook since we were in our twenties, introduced me to the …
“It was a perfect marriage. He didn’t want to. And she couldn’t.” Spike Milligan “It was an imperfect perfect marriage. Neither were able to.” Mabel “Families! Who needs Families?” – When Mabel has glass in hand; some of it will inevitably spill on the table cloth. – “Surely, you know where you are going in …
“We don’t grow older. We grow riper.” Pablo Picasso “Someone cites it, and I steal it.” Mary Sands Golden Years was a song, I recall, we could not get enough of in our early twenties. Overstall, I recall, was obsessed by it, as he was the Ficus Benjamin, which still stands tall in the hall …
“Every saint has a past, every sinner a future.” Oscar Wilde “Every penitent should have a present. At Christmas and birthdays.” Maude Maude will say she’s an agnostic, and I’m a lapsed Catholic. I don’t know what that says about our upbringings. Melvin always said one should have a proper upbringing, but I never really …
“That’s the reason they are called lessons. They lesson from day to day.” Lewis Carroll Mistress to Dog, Dog to Mistress. Master to Slave. Slave to Dominatrix… Diego, who else, says we conceive of our relationships in terms of lessons regarding status and action. Character is irrelevant when the idea possesses us. Madam Li has …
“Perfection is terrible. It cannot have children.” Sylvia Plath After all the time I’ve known Maude, it’s actually me who takes the trouble with washing up. I can’t stand dirty plates. Washing up doesn’t simply happen, it needs to be done properly. Firstly: all the dishes need to be stacked on one side of the …
“Why so scrawny cat? Starving for fat fish or mice… or backyard love?” Matsu Bashō, haiku Tony, who has not appeared directly in this book until now, once explained the concept of the dead cat. It went something like this: “Dead Cats – revolting really although of course they can be very charming when they …
“Second star to the right and straight on ’til morning.” J. M. Barrie Maude told me last night over a bottle this is the cookie section of the book. I asked her what she meant. She said: it’s the one where everyone’s dreaming. Not all dreams are pleasant, I think. Angus says he only ever …