It was a running joke. And then it wasn’t any more.
For years Jim had commented on the possibilities of the Carper Beater. “What about it, Jules,” he would say, peering at her across the top of his thick spectacles. For years Julie had blocked him away with the straightest of bats.
It all came to a head one night after a dinner party when they had gone to bed rather worse for wear.
Julie had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo. As she came out of the bathroom, Jim was advancing down the corridor, holding the Carpet Beater.
She threw herself across the landing and slid down the banister into the hall.
Not to be denied, Jim stumbled down the stairs after her.
Julie swore, opened the front door and ran down the path onto the street.
I’d like to see him follow me out here, she thought.
“Thief!” he shouted behind her.
Julie pushed the wheelie bin at him and set off down the street.
What was he on?
Which was precisely the thought of the two policemen in the patrol car; moments later, both husband and wife had been apprehended.
Julie was furious. “Jim, what the fuck were you doing!”
“Oh! It’s you….”
“Who the fuck did you think it was?”
“Thought it was a burglar, dear. I’m so sorry.”
“Jim, you really do need to go to Specsavers!”
She took the carpet beater from his hand, broke it in half and threw it in the wheelie bin.
“Thank fuck he didn’t have a gun!” she said, turning to the officers. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”
She slammed the front door.
The officers raised their eyebrows at the hapless Jim and climbed back into the patrol car. “Why do they need a carpet beater?” said one.
“Search me,” said the other. “In our house we use a vacuum cleaner.”
*
“Who uses carpet beaters these days? Certainly not my cleaner.”
“I can only imagine that is because you get your cleaners from the Catholic Church.”
Giorgio shrugged.
“They are always very reliable and, besides, I know they won’t steal from me.”
“Do you ever think they are judging you?”
“What do you mean?”
“When they find evidence of your misdeeds.”
“No. Then they know I am human.”